See Ya My best friend just got married, and I just got bored. So no more bloggy for a while. Thanks for the good times you unnamed people.

USA!!!USA just beat Portugal 3-2 for the second biggest upset of the largest sporting event no one in the US knows about! What a game!! More later when I'm not delirous and get some sleep. That whole time zone thing needs to be figured out, it's killin' me. Go home to get some sleep and find out the games comin' on in a few minutes. What can you do? Stay up and watch it and suffer the consequences. I can deal.

Prisoner Gets Invite To Posh Dinner With President Bush

An Ohio inmate got invited to a 2,500 dollar a plate dinner with President Bush. The invite came complete with a letter from Dick Cheney asking him to, "join the president and Mrs. Bush for a private dinner here in Washington, D.C.". When asked what he was going to tell the president, Mr. Kirkpatrick replied, "I'm going to tell him that I'd be happy to attend, but he's going to have to pull some strings to get me there." Unfortunately, it was all a mistake.

A Japanese Hooligan

Finally some hooligan action. Nevermind those English ones, they can be home grown in Japan too. "When told that the office only held tickets bought over the Internet, he lost his temper, smashed a glass door and kicked a ticketing center employee who tried to stop him, the paper said." There ya go. But there was no sign of the spiderman gun. They need to curb this before Japan gets a taste for the hooliganism that runs so rampant in England. It'll be an epidemic! Bring out the spiderman gun!

Mike Tyson

will, ''put a world of hurt on Mr. Lewis in a devastating and spectacular manner"

Dolphin Gigilo

There is a dolphin trying to mate with human women. Pretty freaky stuff, the animal, "does get very sexually aggressive. He has already attempted to mate with some divers." Better watch out. Talk about unexpected occurances.

Plus his name is Georges. Georges the Dolphin. Maybe if they would have named him something less middle aged highschool gym teacherish, he'd be a little bit less aggressive. I wonder if he has a mustache. This is the weirdest dolphin I've ever heard of. I don't remember flipper trying anything funny on his little friends.

It's funny that, "Georges has become a major attraction at the seaside resort with thousands of people taking to the sea in boats to watch him play." I wonder if they like to watch this: Georges also, "has a fascination for boat propellers and has been injured several times". Geez, talk about a dolphin reject. It tries to mate with humans, then runs into propellers. I wonder if the other dolphins sent him away to England as punishment for being so stupid.

Where Have All the Hooligans Gone?

Okay, I'm reading the same article and there's some funny stuff here. Namely,

"The English fans here look like couples on their honeymoons, like respectable suburban dwellers from middle class homes. Some of them look, well, posh. The riot police, literally, in the thousands, look completely and utterly baffled. This isn't what they've spent six months training for."

Seriously, all that build up, a spiderman gun, and for what? A bunch of posh brits? The only thing scary is a cockney accent, no barbarians or mohawks anywhere. I'm pretty dissapointed. Not to say I wanted injuries, but I wanted to see that spiderman gun in action.

More Hilarious Names

This article from espn has a list of top 10 funniest names of the World Cup.

Favos:
Kaka
David Seaman

I'll let you read the rest, and the comments underneath all of them are superb. There's a ton more to the article, but I haven't read it. So you can let me know how it is.

It's My Tony and I'll Cry if I Want To

Some old lady cried because CBS cut her speech off. Well, it was Elaine Stritch, and it was her first Tony, so she probably had a lot to say, which again, is why CBS cut her off. She was mad because, in her own words, she was only "over two minutes" of the running time.

If you've ever seen an acceptance speech, you know they are too frickin long to begin with. Let alone 2 minutes over. Dang, woman! What do you have to say except thank you? Cut it down a notch, personally, I'm glad they cut her off. Finally CBS got some balls and did something about those windbag acceptance speeches.

She didn't get an apology from CBS but she did get one from, "John Streiber, the producer who made me do this." I hope he apologizes to the entire community for contributing to the horrible length of those speeches.

Asked if she wanted to perform in the Tonys, she responded with, "The Tonys have never even asked me to be a presenter. I don't know what they had against me: Catholic, pain in the ass, alcoholic. They don't seem to like me very much." Yeah, I don't know what they have against you either. For me, I love drunk pain in the ass Catholics. That is precisely why I love to hang out at Irish pubs.

Deep Space Bass

Does this remind you a bit of that Simpsons episode, Deep Space Homer? Lance Bass, of N'Sync fame, is trying to go into space with the Russians.

But as the article says, this isn't a for sure thing, "Russian space officials have not said whether they will save a spot for Bass, but a Hollywood producer who is helping to pay for the trip said this week that Bass had already received informal word that he is clear for takeoff."

Russians seem like the cool older guy to Lance Bass's younger geekier guy. You know, when the old cool guy says, "Sure you can ride with me to the party, but you have to ride in the trunk." And the young geek says, "Well okay." And then if the cool guy even shows up to pick him up, he leaves him in the trunk and forgets about him until halfway after the party is over.

"Sure Comrade Bass, you can fly into outerspace with us. But you must stay in the Cosmonauts cargo room." "Well, if you say so."

Rapper Fined For Spanking His Monkey

It's true, "Starr slapped the caged Barbary ape several times during a program recorded at his home in March" and a, "Court fined French rapper Joey Starr 9,750 euros ($9,100) Wednesday after he hit his pet monkey on television." That's a shame. You shouldn't slap your monkey, and if you have to, please don't do it on tv.

Prison, Or Castration

what a choice, what a choice. This is not a something I ever want said about me: "Ricardo Garcia prefers castration." The sorry bastard deserves it though.

Senegal!

First game of the world cup is an upset, with Senegal upending France in a 1-0 game. This is Senegals first trip to the largest sports event that America doesn't know about, and they upset the former 1998 World Cup champions. You gotta love a team with names like Papa Bouba Diop. He's the guy who scored the winning goal.

And in what other sport can you celebrate like this? "Diop took off his jersey, put it on the ground, and teammates formed a circle around it, as if to worship the garment. Then they boogied in an impromptu conga line." You can't beat impromptu boogies. Especially in sports. Ever see that at a baseball game? Too bad all the hooligans had to celebrate at home.

Best Store Names Ever

Thanks to kneesknelt on the headsup to this amazing page. My favo's so far:

Shop & Shop
Things & Stuff
Git-Yo Chicken Fish and Burger
Guns Liquor and Ammo

Dark Underbelly of the Internet Uncovered

While looking for a Freekazoid link, I noticed a link to the House of Evil. The horror of this site made me click on any link just to get out of that frenzied den of evil. Which unfortunately took me to another horrible site, which allured me with it's innocent name, crystal scout shrine. My friends, open these links with caution, you know not what you are in store for...Sailor Moon fan sites...ugh.

Ejected!

This is funny to me. Alex Rodriguez gave an umpire a dirty look and got ejected from the game for it. The quote I heard was that he was ejected, "For running off the field in an intimidating manner." Come on. What a wussie umpire. I wonder if he ran an hid when A-rod glanced at him. And A-Rod? Come on, he looks like he's 15 years old! I don't even think it's possible for him to have an intimidating look.

Blacks in Brazil?

Article here. Gotta love our president. Especially when he asks the Brazillian president, "Do you have blacks too?" I love the fact that the representative of our nation comes off as being dumber than a bump on a log. Maybe he actually asked, "Do you have slacks too?" Yeah, I'm sure that's it. Had to have been slacks...

Kah-Boom!Talk about a blessed union. This assures me that God has a sense of humor.

Hooligan Holiday

more on the hooligan front. Jim Caple from Espn wrote a semi-amusing article here. My favorite quote so far is, "Passengers who list their professions on their passports as "unemployed," "town drunk" or "none of your @#$%&@in' business, is it, mate?" will be singled out upon entry"

and this little gem, ". Loudspeakers mounted on trucks will be used to direct roving bands of hooligans to free All-You-Can-Drink beer gardens in the opposite direction of the stadium. (Once inside, the hooligans will learn that All They Can Drink is warm A&W root beer.)"

Tested!

Cambodian policeman rewarded for shooting guy in the nuts. "A Cambodian policeman who shot a suspected temple looter in the testicles has been rewarded for his crime fighting skills, an official said on Wednesday." Once again, more international tactics that the US needs to take advantage of. We need to reward policemen for shooting people in the most cartoony fashion possible. This guy did a good job of it, "The bullet ricocheted off a tree trunk and hit the suspect in the testicles and thigh." Pretty Warnerish.

I say they give more money to a guy if he can ricochet a bullet off the most surfaces as possible. So about 100 dollars per object hit. Say it hits a frying pan, the temple statue, a rock, a birds beak, and then the mans testicle. That's 500 bucks right there. And if they can incorporate an anvil anywhere in there, they get an extra 50 dollar bonus

SOCCER!

He Could Kick the Crap Out of Chester

Yasser Arafat has a cheese puff snack in Israel! Now you can join in on the military cause of Palestine with the purchase of these goodies. Dig in to the Abu Ammar chips. Abu Ammar, for those of you who don't know, is the war name of Yasser. It's like a pen name, but manlier. And remember, "The more you buy, the more you build," the bags say. "Heartbeat by heartbeat, hand by hand, we'll build a new era."

We need something like this in the US. Maybe something like, Bush Bugles. Or Garlic and Onion Cheney Chips. Or even, Condaleeza Rice. That one would probably be the easiest.

Whopping Jumble of Soil and Ice

So they found water on Mars. And what is it? I love this quote,

""We see it is and it a big, huge whopping jumble of soil and ice," Jim Garvin said. "It's a lot of stuff and it was found in a way that was not totally expected and it bodes well for Mars offering us more goodies as we go into the ground."

Jim Garvin gives me hope that I can work for nasa. 'Offering us more goodies as we go into the ground'? Goodies huh? And when was jive part of the NASA vocab? Read this sentence in jive, you'll understand it better. "We see it is and it a big, huge whoppin jumble of soil and ice." It sure is. It a big low down jumble of goodies, stone cold foxy. What it is.

Another beautiful quote when you look at it right, "ready to be tapped by future explorers as a source of fuel and maybe even drinking water" It's the next best bottled water. I can see it now, "Fresh from the pure underground glaciers of Mars, and straight to your expecting tummies."

But watch out for that! Because, "If Martian microbes are sitting there waiting to bloom, the last thing we would want is a war of the worlds waiting to blow up in our bellies," Word. I sure don't want any Martian microbes waging war in my belly. The last thing I want is a bloomin' martian bustin' outta my belly, makes a brotha think about drinkin' any martian agua. Shoot.